Ole & Lena and the winter blizzard
 
One wintery February day, in Minnesota, Ole & Lena were sitting in their living room, listening to the  radio, when a weather announcement came on.  The report was that a blizzard was expected and in order to accommodate the snow plows, all residents living on streets running east/west were requested, by the city, to park their cars on the north side of the street.
 
The following day, the weather announcer came on with another report, that the blizzard conditions were continuing and asking that all residents living on streets running east/west to park their cars on the south side of the street,
to accommodate snow plowing.
 
On the third day, another announcement came on, reporting that the blizzard would continue, but that the temperatures would begin rising and that  lightning and thunder was expected with the storm.  The  announcer said that people living on streets running east/west were to..........
 
Suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder and
 the electricity went out.
 
Ole was worrying about what the rest of the announcement was.  Lena told Ole, "Vhy don't you yust vait?  Perhaps da  lectricity vil come back on and dey vil repeat dat dare announcement."
 
Hours went by and it was getting dark outside.  Ole was fretting and fuming and said to Lena, "How vil I know vat side of da street dey vant us to park da car on? 
 
To which Lena replied, "Vell, since you don't know vat side of da street to park on, vhy don't you yust leave da car
in da garage tonight?"
 
Thanks to: Cheryl - Crivitz, WI



Ole & Lena went to a lawyer to see about
getting a divorce.

"How old are you folks?" asked the lawyer.

"Vell, I'm 96 and Lena is 92," said Ole.

"How come you are getting a divorce now?"

asked the lawyer.

Said Ole:

"Ve vanted to vait till all da kids vere dead."

Ole wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife, Lena, aside, and said, "your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn t have to do anything himself."

On the way home Ole asked with a note of concern "Vhat did he say?

"Vell," Lena responded, "he said it looks like you probably von't make it."

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.  He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" 

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." 

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

 "But, where did you get the tools?"

 "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 The guy is stunned.

 "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

 "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

 "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

 Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." 

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

 He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"





Ole and Lena

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,

"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,

"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"



A new blonde joke!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shoestore shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot
the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were
7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the
bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily
and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.


Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....


I DON'T BELIEVE IT......THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!





Ole and Clarence

Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river,I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?"

Ole says, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat" Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.

Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river"



 
Uff da!

Sven came home from work early one day and
Lena asks, "Sven, you're home from work early.
  What happened?" 

Sven replies, "Vell, I got my ting caught in da pickle slicer." 

"Oh no!", says Lena, "Let me see your ting". 

So Sven shows her his ting and everyting is fine.

 "Sven, your ting is just fine,
what happened to da pickle slicer?" 

Says Sven, "Oh dey fired her too."
(thanks to Karl in Denver)



LUTEFISK LAMENT

  'Twas the night before Christmas, with things all a hustle,
 As Momma got set for the Christmas Eve tussle,
Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were all coming here,
To fill up their stomachs with Christmas eve cheer.

I sat alone with a feeling of dread,
As visions of lutefisk danced in my head.
The thought of the smell made my eyeballs start burning,
The thought of the taste set my stomach to churning.

For I'm one of those who Norwegians rebuff - - - 
A Scandihoovian boy who can't stand the stuff!
Each year, however, I play at the game,
To spare Momma and Papa the undying shame.

I must bear up bravely; I can't take the risk
Of relatives knowing I hate lutefisk!
I know they would spurn me, my presents withold
If the unthinkable, unspeakable truth they were told!

Soon from the kitchen an odor came stealing,
An odor that set my senses to reeling.
The smell of lutefisk crept down the hall and wilted a plant,
in a pot on the wall.

The others reacted as though they were smitten,
While the aroma laid low my small helpless kitten.
Uncles Oscar and Lars said, "Oh, that smells yummy!"
While Aunt Olga just beamed as she patted her tummy.

The scent skipped off the ceiling as it came through the door,
  And the bird in the cuckoo clock fell on the floor.
Momma announced dinner by ringing a bell,
And they rushed to the table with a whoop and a yell.

I lifted my eyes to heaven and sighed,
And a rose on the wallpaper withered and died.
With unhurried pace I went to my chair,
 And sat down in silence with an unseeing stare.

Most of the food was already in place,
There only remained the lutefisk space.
Then in it came - - - you could just hear the drools,
You would think that the bowl held Norway's crown jewels!

Then Momma lifted the cover on that steaming dish,
 And I was face to face with that quivering fish.
"Me first!", I heard Uncle Sven call,
 While I watched the paint as it peeled from the wall.

The plates were passed for Papa to fill,
 I waited, in agony, between fever and chill.
He would dip in the spoon and hold it up high,   
 It oozed on the plates - - - I thought I would die!

Then came my plate, and to my fevered brain,
There seemed enough lutefisk to derail a train.
It looked like a mountain of congealing glue,
Oddly transparent, yet discolored in hue.

With butter and cream sauce I tried to conceal it,
But wouldn't you know, the smell would reveal it!
I drummed up my courage; I tried to be bold.
Momma said, "Eat it before it gets cold."

I decided to try it - - - "Uff da", I sighed.
"Uff da, indeed", my stomach replied.
Then I summoned that courage for which Norskies are known,
My hand took the fork with a mind of its own.

With reckless abandon, that lutefisk I ate,
Within twenty seconds, I cleaned up the plate.
Uncle Oscar then flashed me an ear-to-ear grin,
While butter and cream sauce dripped from his chin,

Then to my surprise, he said in my ear,
"I'm sure glad that's done for another year!"
It was then that I learned a wonderful truth,
That Swedes and Norwegians from young men to youth,

Must each pay their dues to have the great joy,
Of being known as a good Scandihoovian boy!
And so to you all, as you face the test,
Happy Smorgasbord to you, and to you all my best!




These 2 from Karl in Denver:
Sven and Ole are on their snowmobiles racing across the lake.  Ole breaks through the ice and sinks to the bottom.  Sven goes to the edge of the ice and he sees Ole pulling and pulling on the starting rope.  Sven yells,
"Ole, you have to open the choke first!"




Sven and Ole are putting on a roof.  Ole accidently cuts off his ear.  Ole goes down to look for it.  Sven sees Ole on his hands and knees looking for something in the grass.  "What happened, Ole?"  "Oh, I cut my ear off and
I'm trying to find it".  Sven offers to help so he too is down on all fours looking for Ole's ear.  A few minutes later Sven says, "Hey, Ole!  I tink I found your ear."  Ole says, "No, that's not it, mine had a pencil behind it."


Ole's Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of upnort Wisconsin and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and Ole appears and tells him dat the dog is in da backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Ole what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' Ole says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Dat's because he's a liar. He never did any of dat stuff.'







"Final Answer"


 

          A contestant Lars, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. If he answered incorrectly, he would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as he suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture"

Lars was on the spot. He did not know the answer. He had used up his 50/50 Lifeline and his Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. He hoped he would not have to use it because . . . His friend was, well, Ole - not the sharpest nail in the bin. But he had no alternative. He called Ole and gave him the question and the four choices.

Ole responded unhesitatingly: "Dat's easy. Da answer is C: da cuckoo."

Lars had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that Ole had given him. And considering his friend was not the smartest Norwegian, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But his friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing his fingers, Lars said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

"That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, Lars hosted a party for his family and friends, including Ole, who had helped him win the million dollars.

"Ole, I just do not know how to thank you," said Lars. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said Ole. "Everybody knows dat da cuckoos don't build nests. Day live in da clocks."

Lars fainted.



July Iola,WI Auto Show




Fyr Bal - Summer Solstice Festival


Ephraim, Wisconsin's main festival is Fyr Bal, a Norwegian celebration held near the solstice in mid-June to drive out the "wicked winter witch" (www ?). A dozen bonfires burn along the shoreline as residents and visitors gather to celebrate the beginning of summer.

Here is an article in a recent Norway Post:



Tonight, the evening of June 23rd is celebrated as Midsummernight Eve in Norway, also known as 'St.Hans Aften' or 'Jonsok-kveld', depending on where you are in the country. Huge bonfires are burned as part of the celebrations. St. Hans or Jonsok both reveal that the festival has been named after St. John the Baptist, as the 24th is his birthday according to the Festival Calendar of the pre-reformation Church.

As with so many of the church festivals, it was introduced in order to replace an old heathen festival on that same date, thought to be the Summer Solstice, or the longest day of the year.

In Norway, the evening is celebrated with partying, good food, music and dancing, and the burning of huge bonfires. The burning of bonfires has of course survived from heathen times, when it was believed that the fire had special cleansing powers, and was also used to drive away evil powers, witches included.

Medical herbs also had special powers at Midsummernight, and so did water. Dew that fell on that night was believed to have healing properties, particularly for ailments of the eyes.

Midsummernight Eve was a public holiday in Norway until 1771, and has as a matter of fact survived as a day off in several communities to this day.
(The Norway Post)
Rolleiv Solholm



Ole lay dying in his bedroom.
He began to revive as he smelled the aroma of fresh lefse wafting through the house. Ole managed to gather is strength and crawled out to the kitchen. Just as he reached for a sample of  Lena's lefse she slapped his hand and said,


"No Ole, don't you know dat's for da funeral"




Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced:
 "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."

They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."

"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome," replies da Norvegian.




Fox Hunt

(Thanks Mom!)




Two guys, Ole and Sven, are standing at the gates of heaven.

Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?"

Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?"

"Well, "Ole said, "I vas sure my wife Lena vas cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in da act. I searched da whole house, but dare vas no one dare. I felt so bad about da whole ting dat I had a massive heart attack."

"Oh great, "said Sven, "If you vould've checked da freezer ve vould both be alive!"



One day Ole was home alone when the lady next door came over. "Ole, she said, would you please do me a favor and take off my blouse for me?"


Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her. "Now Olie would you please take off my skirt for me?"


Once again Olie obliged her. "Ok Ole take off my panties and bra."


Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning. She looked Ole in the eyes and said


"And don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"



Do it now! 
Today will be yesterday tomorrow.


Dogs don't have nine lives - because they get it right the first time!


At the Crossville, TN Flea Market April 4th




Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida.They turned a corner and see  a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.' 
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, Come on in and let me pour one for you!  What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender  serves up four iced martinis... Shake n, not stirred,and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'
The four men stare at the  bartender for a moment.  Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck.They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.  They have each had two martinis and so far  they've spent less than a dollar. 
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you  afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?' 
'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said,
'and I  always wanted to own a bar.  Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million  and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor,  beer, it's all the same.'  Wow!!!! That's quite a  story,' says one of the men.The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice  seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of  the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?' The bartender says,
'Oh, they're all old  retired farts from Wisconsin, 
 
They're  waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'






 
Go Brewers!


(Cubs Suck) 


New! Get "Uff da!" and "Lutefisk" stuff like shirts, hats, calendars, dog items, etc. at:
Uff da Stuff
or
Lutefisk Stuff

We love collecting and selling old paper items like postcards, magazines, books, catalogs, booklets, farm manuals,etc. 


WE RECYCLE HISTORY! 


Go to our huge eBay store selling mostly historical postcards:
Uffdahhh eBay Store 25,000+ Items



We've been selling on eBay since 1997.  We spend the summer selling and buying at Wisconsin flea markets and farm shows. 

We also metal nostolgic at outdoor summer shows in Wisconsin, including the big Iola auto show, Jefferson Auto Show, Cedarburg Maxwell Street Days, Shawano Flea Market, Mukwonago, Ringle, Wisconsin Dells, Edgar, Baraboo, and more
   


Please read!!!

If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category and you also have a small child please take this as a warning. Don't leave your dog with the child unattended under any circumstances.

Only a little moment was enough for the following to happen. See the photo below

  







Dog Lessons For People



Enjoy the simple pleasures of a walk.
Follow your instincts.
Never underestimate the value of a belly rub.
Be loyal and faithful.
Always drink plenty of water.
Sometimes it is best to just sit close and listen.
Be quick to forgive.
Avoid biting when a growl will do.
Keep digging until you find what you want.
Run and play daily.
Accept all of life's treats with gratitude.
Life is short, pet often.
Love unconditionally.






If You Grew Up In Rural Wisconsin:





 * You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
 
 * You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
 
 * You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.
 
 * You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
 
 * You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm or Farm and Fleet
 
 * You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.
 
 * You hear someone use the word 'uff-da' and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter..
 
 * You or someone you know was a 'Dairy Princess' at the county fair.
 
 * You know that 'combine' is a noun.
 
 * You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a
 steel post in the middle of winter.
 
 * You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
 
 * You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.
 
 * Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into
 consideration before wedding dates are set.
 
 * A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend  shining for deer..
 
 * Saturday you go to your local bowling alley.
 
 * There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning. And/or smelled like it.

* You have driven your car on the lake.
 
* You can make sense of 'upnort' and 'baatree'.
 
* Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the  chicken dance.
 
* Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
 
* The local gas station sells live bait..
 
* At least twice a year some part of your home double as a meat
 processing plant.
 
* You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.









A NORVEGIAN LOVE STORY of OLE and LENA

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas springtime, and da lakes vas yust beginning to thaw.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, 'Nah, yust put it on our tab'.

So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked back home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, 'Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?'.

Ole replied, 'Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit any money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas.'




Who is your real friend?
This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.



When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?






Rust - Abstract Art

 
Here's a link to some great artwork from the recent Edgar Tractor show. The artist, Keith Stanosz, takes close-up pictures of farm equipment, rust and all. Could include John Deere, Farmall, IH, Ford, Oliver, Gehl, New Holland, New Idea, or??? Click this link and see if you can guess which makes and models these untouched photos are of:
Rust - Abstract Art
 


Here is a good example of "uff da" when a storm came through our space at the Iola Car Show on
July 12, 2008:


This one from Mary in Wisconsin:

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell.  The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.  He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?'  Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da
land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'  Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too  much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero,
icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
 
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

9 words women use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ______ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.




FINALLY! THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES.
 
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports  car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was  also a blonde.
 
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting  progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?'  she finally asked.  
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
 
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
 
The blonde officer looked at the  mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

 
Uff da!50 Years! (1998 - 2048)


SHAKESPEARE HOUSE

Ole & Lena Jokes


Please send us any good Norwegian jokes to add here.




Ole da Archaeoligist

  After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists foundtraces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,
a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding
traces of a 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Courier Hub, a local newspaper in Wisconsin,
reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his
pasture near Wheeler, Wisconsin, Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that
300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless."

Atta boy Ole! You go guy! Way to show dem dat we're not so backward as
dey tink! Who said Wisconsinites are hicks?





A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church,
 and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across
 the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that
 said:

 'DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE'

 As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,
 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'

 From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash . Rev. Ole
 turns to Pastor Sven and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust
 say 'Bridge Out'?

MINNESOTA QUARTERS ALERT (IMPORTANT)
 
Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters you may
have or acquire.

They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents! The US Mint
announced today that it is recalling all of the
Minnesota quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state.
 
This action is being taken after numerous reports that
the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll
booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin
operated devices.
 
The problem lies in the unique design of the Minnesota
quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian
specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently the duct tape
holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps
jamming up the machines.

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

 Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
 asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?


This one was forwarded to me from my Dad in Sun Prairie:

Nordakota Cow
 
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
(that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
 
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.  He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
 
When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.  Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner,  Ole decides to buy the cow.
 
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
 
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.
 
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
 
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.  Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
 
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

Two Norvegians are drinking at da Arrow Bar in Weston, WI.

Ole says, 'Did you know dat lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?'   

'Darn!' says Sven. "I jus joined daElks."

Subject: Norwegian Diet
A Norwegian was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I  want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds.'

When the Norwegian returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 25 POUNDS. 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said. 'You followed my
instructions?'

The Norwegian nodded and said... 'I'll tell you, though, I taut I was
gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?'

'No, yust from all dat skippin'.'

Ole and Lars are two Norwegians working at the local sawmill. One day Ole slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Lars quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole to the local hospital.  Next day, Lars goes to the hospital and asks after Ole. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Lars couldn't believe it, but here's Ole out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of days go by and then Ole slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Lars puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole off to hospital.Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising." And sure enough, here's Ole out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.  And Ole comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Lars puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and  Ole to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Ole is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Lars is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." 


''No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

WHY ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS CELEBRATED EACH YEAR IN AMERICA  


The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter.  Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians) Irish members ofIRATRION  passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the  Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders. But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL".  So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota, the only other place on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.
The End. 



Ole the Minnesota Furniture Dealer
 
Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.  After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.  To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.  As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.  Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,  asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand ), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a  couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.  After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,  and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.  Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.



Here's a few from my Dad in Sun Prairie:

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the l oad and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."

Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," answered Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.



Here is one from Roger in Wisconsin:
Lutheran Airlines


Sign up right away for the Frequent Flyer's program administered by Ole and Lena. WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA! ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience. Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight. Meals are potluck.  Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce :


In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.  Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way.  No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kiddin! Right now I'll say Grace :

Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.

 

Here is one submitted from Marvin:

Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.  "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.  Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"  Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."  The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."  By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."  Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded.  "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.   I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"  "Now vat the hell vould you say?"




Here is one from John Weber in Wittenberg, WI: 

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.  He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."  Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."  "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said,  "Lordy!!! It's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.  I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new!  Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"  Ole says..."How vas I suppose to pick them up?


Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt when da phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered da iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call da doctor!"

"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run dem through real slow."

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest pee-pee in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

Ole and Sven were trying to get a mule into the barn, but it's ears were too long. Ole looked at the barn and then looked at the mule. Finally he suggested raising the barn. Sven thought about this and said, "I tink it vould be easier to dig a trench." "No, you dummy," exploded Ole, "it's dah ears dat are too long, not dah legs!"

"It's yust too hot to wear clothes today," said Ole as he stepped out of the shower. "Lena, vhat do you tink the neighbors vould tink if I mowed the lawn like dis?" "Probably that I married you for your money."

Sven & Ole worked together and both were laid off work,so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classified as unskilled labor, so she gave him $300 a week employment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation."Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stichers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, yah, diesel fitter."
ype your paragraph here.

Thanks to Paul "the Jeep nut" for
 these new jokes:

Ole was filling up at a gas station and Ole says to the Lars, “I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher.”
Lars replies, “Won’t affect me, I always put in just $10.00 worth.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Ole came home from work and found his wife, Lena, sobbing convulsively.
“I feel terrible,” she told him.  “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
“Forget it,” consoled Ole.  “Remember - I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit.”
“Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did,” Lena said, drying her eyes.  “I used them to patch the hole.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sven and Ole were walking down the road and Ole said to Sven,  “Look at that dog with one eye!”
Sven covers one of his eyes and says, “Where?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lena decided to redecorate her bedroom.  She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew Helga from next door, had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
“Helga,” she said, “how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”
“Ten,” said Helga.
So Lena bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had two rolls leftover.  
“Helga,” she said, “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two leftover!”
“Yah,” said Helga.  “So did I.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ole bought two horses and could never remember which was which. 
Lars suggested he cut off the tail of one horse and this worked great until the other horse’s tail was caught in a bush.  The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. 
Ole friend was stuck again.
Lars then suggested he notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again,  Ole couldn't tell the two horses apart.
Lars then suggested he measure the horses for height. When he checked, Ole was pleased to find that the white horse was 10 inches taller than the black one.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Norskie Interview
An executive was interviewing Ole for a position with his company.  He wanted to find out something about Ole's personality, so he asked him, “If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?”
  Ole quickly responded, “The living one."
Type your paragraph here.Type your paragraph here.

ABBA Going to the Dogs!
Check out this great You Tube by
a pet rescue operation in Raleigh, NC:
ABBA Dogs & Cats

Make sure you turn up the volume - bet you can't get the song out of your head :)





Having shot a moose,
Ole and Sven began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.
  On the way they were stopped by a game warden.

  "Let me see your hunting licenses guys," he said.
  When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he
could  give them some  advice
.
  "Sure, you betcha!" the hunters agreed.

  "Well guys, I think that you would be finding it a lot easier  to
  be draggin  tha moose by the horns and not the tail."

  "Ya, ok and tanks," they said.

  After about five minutes Ole said to Sven,
"Boy, draggin it by da horns is sure a lot easier!"

  "Ya, you're right," says Sven, "but have you noticed dat vee  are
  getting  furder avay from da truck?"

Thanks Paul!   Norwegian Prayer

May da ruts always fit da wheels in your pickup.
May yur ear mufs always keep out da nort wind.
May da sun shine varm on your lefse.
May da rain fall soft on your lutefisk.
And until ve meet again,
May da Good Lord protect ya from any
and all unnecessary Uff Da's.

Type your paType your paragraph here.